Cold comfort

I just turned off the TV. Remember when I wrote that 2007 was a bad year for New York sports? Well, 2008 is already turning out to be a great year for the New York Giants, who have just won the NFC Championship game and are heading to the Super Bowl.

I'm not a football pundit, really, so instead of a lame post-game analysis, here are tips on how to get dinner in NYC during the half-time segment of a Giants football game, without calling ahead and ordering:

• Get dressed at the end of the second quarter, preferably before the two-minute warning.
• Do not pack your cell phone. If you do, your wife might call you after you leave and change her order. This must not be allowed to happen!
• When the clock runs out, so should you.
• Make sure you select an eatery within two blocks of where you live. I decided to go to Whole Foods, which has a prepared food section. Appropriately manly dinner options: fried chicken, mac and cheese, hot wings, french fries, potato chips, salsa and dip. Unacceptable options: sushi, any sort of green vegetables, fruit salad, cake.
• Use the express checkout lane. If you have more items than allowed in the express lane, you have bought too much.
• Pay using a credit or debit card. By doing so, you can begin the payment process before the checkout lady has finished scanning your items.
• Be nice to the checkout lady, but don't pause to chat.
• Once back home, express shock at the fact that your wife has changed the channel. Command the woman to switch back, then apologize for your rudeness and make up for it by patiently explaining the difference between a "touchdown" and an "end zone." Do not laugh at wife when she asks, "Are they at the touchdown yet?"
• Enjoy the second half.